Friday, 23 May 2014

Vanek Negotiations

As Tomas Vanek continues to vanish to the point of virtual invisibility, the Canadians brain trust has decided he needs motivation. So Bergevin has Don Meehan for an urgent meeting to nail down a long term contract and stop the fade.

MB: its in both our best interests if Tomas becomes solid. Players who are invisible during the playoffs do not command a premium.

DM: I would have to respectfully disagree Mark. For example the leaf or Islanders will pay unlimited dollars for any player with a big name.

MB: So whats in your ballpark Don.

DM: 8 for 8 it goes without saying.

MB: would that include playing in the current playoffs.

DM: That would be goodwill, so we will need some goodwill on your side.

MB: What do you have in mind Don.

DM: Tomas finds Micheal Therrien totally incomprehensible.

MB: Who doesn't what is your point?

DM: We need some clear guidelines, like an operating manual for Tomas. First he is not required to touch the puck in his own zone. He will receive clean passes only in the neutral or opposition zone. Second he will not be expected to make more than three strides before coasting. Third he will not play with DD because looking down for him is just to much effort. Fourth PK must stop bouncing around during the anthem, that exhibition of energy wears him out just watching. Fifth if he has to do two PP during a period he needs a complete change of equipment. Tomas finds two PP make him perspire, and he cant stand wearing sweaty equipment.

MB: totally unreasonable but I am used to our negotiations over PK so lets keep moving. Perhaps there is some off ice stuff we could do to sweeten the pot.

DM: Oh yes! First Tomas would like a Westmount.

MB: You mean a house in Westmount?

DM: No Mark we are talking about the whole neighbourhood.

MB: Anything else?

DM: A Prater for his kids?

MB: What is that some kind of stroller?

DM: No its an amusement park in Vienna. Complete with a BBQ chicken restaurant that makes St Hebert look like food truck.  He also finds the Bixi bikes appalling, he wants them replaced with KTM. Tomas would be deeply touched if Mr Molson would change his name to Puntigamer.

MB: Maybe we should just talk about PK?

DM: Just a couple of more items on the Vanek file. Tomas will not play or travel to Winnipeg, Edmonton or Nashville. Also under no circumstances is the  plane to fly within 50 km of Hamilton. Speaking of the plane, Niki Lauda must pilot at all times.

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